I’ve had a few people ask me recently, “how do you do it all?”. I should feel flattered, but if I’m honest, I feel like a fraud. Do what all? In my mind, I’m barely keeping it together and only wish I could do more. 

Taking a step back and giving myself some credit, because we should all find moments of self praise, I do do a lot. Outside of my full time job as a director at a tech start up, I’m a mom, a wife, a fitness instructor, a friend, a sister, a daughter. Each of these roles takes energy and time. Sam and I own our home, have two pets, maintain our individual hobbies, make time for our friendships, and invest time into our marriage. You get the point. 

Maybe to others it does seem unrealistic on paper as to how I do it all, but I of course find myself comparing what I do to other women. How does she do it with multiple kids? Where is she finding time to bake 30 cup cakes for a playdate? I wonder if the bench in her bedroom is covered with laundry that she hasn’t found time to fold and put away in four days…

Before James, Sam and I had a consistent practice that we lived by daily. I started it at work and found it so helpful that I carried it into my home life and Sam caught on quickly. We call it our top three. “What are your top three today?”, we’ll ask. Three commitments for the day, that’s it. 

1. Grocery shop 
2.  Peloton ride 
3. Clean my office 

Any three things that you want to accomplish for the day; the goal here is to not overcommit. I was finding myself stacking my to-do list and then feeling failure when I couldn’t check off all the tasks; clearly I still need to work on finding grace for myself. We made the rule that if you can’t get to all three (because life happens) that’s okay but you need to have a sound reason for it, and not just ignore the tasks due to laziness or unmotivation. 

After having James, trying to maintain the top three seemed impossible. During my maternity leave I felt as though I couldn’t get anything done, even though taking care of a tiny human that relies on you for every single thing is enough for anyone in a day. I had to break down my top three even further because I was always leaving behind the things I wanted to do for me. Having categories for my tasks seemed to help: self care, administrative, household. Sometimes it would have to be so simple. 

1. Household: unload the dishwasher. 
2. Administrative: schedule an appointment. 
3. Self care: read for 10 minutes. 

I had a really hard time with this. I remember sitting in the living room crying because I was overwhelmed, overstimulated, overtired, and felt so beyond unproductive. Can I really only do that little in a day? 

Turns out, it didn’t matter what I did in a day, as long as I was defining what would be meaningful to me up front and doing those exact things. The feeling of productivity fell in line, which in turn led to a more positive mindset. And slowly, as James got older, I could do more. Her naps were longer and more predictable. Her feedings were less frequent, allowing me more flexibility. 

There are a few reasons why this works for us:

1. We are consistent in this. Doing this everyday ensures that we aren’t getting behind on the never ending to do list. It also creates a habit. If you’re having trouble remembering to identify your top three, do it at the same time as something you already do daily like brushing your teeth or making your coffee.
2. We both believe in it and we both support each other’s daily commitments. If one of my top three is to take a bath, Sam respects that and gives me the time to do so. If shooting his bow is on his list, I make sure he has the time for it.  
3. The other reason this works is because it creates accountability. By doing this, we’re making a commitment to ourselves and each other. At the end of the day, all we really have is the promises we make; our word is everything. It creates intention, trust, reliability, and gives value to who we are. If we aren’t keeping our word, our integrity becomes questionable. 

So on the surface it may seem like I have it all together, but it takes more effort than one might think. And while my to do list may be chaotic, my laundry unfolded, floors unswept, at the end of each day I have my family, my circle of support, and my integrity and that’s really what matters. 

J-