If you’re a mom, you probably have mom guilt like 98% of the time, and if you don’t, please check for a pulse because how??? 

I’m reading Stassi Schroeder’s new book, You Can’t Have It All, and she has a chapter about mom guilt. As I was reading I was nodding along the entire chapter that my neck literally hurt when I was done. I felt so much better after reading it and had so many thoughts that I instantly started typing away. We all know I love a good blog that helps even just one person feel seen.

My mom guilt has been twice as bad since becoming pregnant again because I have guilt for both James and the new baby. I feel guilty if I’m resting and not playing with James because I think she deserves a more active mom, but I also feel guilty if I’m not resting, because my body needs extra rest while I casually grow bones and brains (and have severe SPD and a low lying placenta nbd). 

I feel guilty if I don’t wake up early to make James a healthy homemade breakfast, but then feel guilty if I don’t allow myself the few extra minutes just for me in the morning to do my journal and drink my coffee in peace. 

I feel guilty if Sam does bedtime because James will have an absolute meltdown and cry for me, begging me to read books, but I know she needs to get used to splitting bedtime because when the new baby comes I may not be able to do it every night. Then I feel guilty because the new baby isn’t here yet, so why not just do bedtime so she’s happy? 

It. Is. Constant. 

It even spans beyond mom guilt to wife guilt. I recently quit my full-time job to be more present with James. Now I feel guilty if I’m not maintaining a perfectly clean home and cooking all homemade healthy meals since I’m not working. But I also feel guilty if I spend my days cooking and cleaning, and not playing with James or resting. Circle back to the guilt around resting/playing noted above. Also, if you’ve been pregnant with a toddler you completely understand how it is simply not possible to clean, cook, play and, rest all in one day. In the words of Miranda Priestly, “dont be ridiculous”. 

It’s a double-edged sword, a non-ending hampster wheel.

I literally laid in bed the other night crying because I felt like I wasn’t doing my best as a mom to James, I wasn’t doing my best as a mom growing this new baby, I wasn’t doing my best as a wife and partner, I wasn’t doing my best with taking on more household chores since I stopped working, I wasn’t doing my best at cooking more for our family. It was pretty dramatic, I see that now, but pregancy hormones are no joke and they can make you turn into Jess from New Girl sobbing over Dirty Dancing in a matter of seconds. 

Here’s the other thing Stassi talked about that I fact-checked with Sam… she said that she asked if Beau had any guilt like when hes zoned into a football game and the kids are being needy, and his answer was “no”. So of course, I ask Sam, “do you ever feel dad guilt- like you aren’t doing enough for James?”. So quickly he chuckled and said, “no never”. HOW!? 

I do think this is because moms carry so much more of the mental load, the emotional load of parenting, and the overstimulation that comes with it all. I wrote a blog on this when I first had James and wow it still holds so much truth. 

I also think that society doesn’t help our mom guilt. We’re constantly being compared to other moms or versions of ourselves before becoming moms. We’re expected to do it all; make the homemade sourdough bread, eat organic, spend quality time with your children outside of work, have a successful career, not focus too much on your career, have a clean home, use non-toxic cleaning products, plan family activities, go on enough date nights, look good on your date nights, have hobbies, workout, spend time with friends, read a new book at least every month, make sure your kids are in enough social activities, all while bouncing back into your pre-pregnancy jeans, having “glass” skin, staying trendy and of course prioritizing self-care. 

OF COURSE WE FEEL GUILTY WHEN THAT ISN’T POSSIBLE. 

So usually this is the part of the blog where I transition and talk about how I’ve overcome this or what I’m doing to progress. I truly don’t have the answer… maybe one of the no-pulse moms without mom guilt can climb out of the bushes and stop gatekeeping if she has the answer for us, because I certainly do not.

I know it’s only going to get harder with a second baby, it already has. But I think having mom guilt is what makes us such amazing moms, because we care so much. It’s why we are able to carry the mental load, even if its heavy af sometime. 

If you have other solutions, please let me know, otherwise I’ll continue to have a monthly mental breakdown about it and chug right along. Anways, crying is good for the soul sometimes right?? 

J-