Lately, I’ve been feeling this immense guilt for working a full-time job and missing out on key moments in my little one’s life. I’m thankful that I get to work from home and enjoy small yet sweet moments with her throughout the day in between meetings. Still, I’m typically in my office between 7 am and 4 pm, leaving me three hours with my daughter where I’m also decompressing, making dinner, cleaning up, etc. 

Why is it that I feel like I need to justify my desire to be more available and involved in my daughter’s life? We have such limited time with our kids at home before they’re off to school and consumed by their schedules. I wish I could push pause on my career for 5 years to be a full-time mom and jump back in when and if I’m ready- but that seems impossible, and maybe the fears I have around it are simply in my head:

Will I still be qualified in 5 years?

Would I have to restart at a lower level than I am now?

Will anyone want to hire me at a competitive salary in 5 years? 

Will people understand and respect my career gap? 

It feels like I’m being pulled into a tug-o-war between my career, which I’ve worked hard at to be where I am, and my motherhood, which feels like it’s slipping between my fingers. I wish there were a world where I could be more balanced- work part-time doing something I love and spend the rest of my time with my daughter going to story time and doing arts and crafts. 

When I talk to my husband about it he thinks “Why can’t you?”. And I think it’s because I don’t want to stay in a corporate world with limited autonomy in my schedule and lack of flexibility. But the careers I would want to explore that would lead to more flexibility, I’m not quite qualified for. I’d love to be a women’s health coach focused on fertility. I’d love to be a home designer and decorator. I’d love to be a freelance content writer. I’d like to teach more yoga and barre. 

I know that everyone starts somewhere, and there’s no time like the present, and there’s never going to be a perfect time- but it’s scary, and it’s vulnerable. 

Since my mom has passed, I keep thinking “I wish I was around more”. I don’t want to have that feeling with my daughter’s childhood. I don’t want to constantly miss major moments of her life. And I want to show her that you can have passions and identity, and make a livelihood out of projects that truly bring you joy. 

I’d be surprised if this wasn’t common among working parents. I don’t have the answers, but I’m hoping that if I continue to be open about it, clarity will come- we can always see better when we bring light to the darkness.